Me: I just want to taste your chapstick π
Her: oh.. π *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
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*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[meeting Dwayne βThe Rockβ Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Meow
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters