6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
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Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change