Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
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Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips