after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
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I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere