*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
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To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Smells like a challenge to me
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Finally a use for spoilers…
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Catering service
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night