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Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.