Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
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Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.