You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.