Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
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Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.