Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
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Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits