date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
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But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA