Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
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best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread