Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.