It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
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*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Just say no
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
#MeanwhileinCanada
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Just how popey was the pope today?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
nice challenge
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.