I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
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accurate
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.