I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
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My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet