*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
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The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich