The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
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“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
just left a huge legacy in there
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.