Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
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Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.