My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
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My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
time machine? you mean a clock?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.