Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
You Might Also Like
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted