All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
You Might Also Like
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know