MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
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Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.