If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight