The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
🙀🙀🙀😹
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy