[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
yeah 😭
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.