Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
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me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.