A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
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Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Bringing home a sharpie
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring