Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Are we there yet?…
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.