Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
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Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.