“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
You Might Also Like
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.