Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
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:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s