Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.