April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
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the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
May have had one breakfast too many
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please