Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
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Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
For anyone who needs this today
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*