A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly