Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
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Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
That earthquake could have been an email.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
The news is so predictable nowadays
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.