In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
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Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Cndnsd Mlk
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”