You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
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I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Lube but for my dry humor.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
$3 #books