There’s always that one guy
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My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Stop sending me this shit.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”