Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
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Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
become ungovernable
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It