Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
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5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.