Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
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Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*