The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
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I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend