I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
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@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”