My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
You Might Also Like
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage