No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Muppet Screams
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang