Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
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Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.