Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
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Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’