CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
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Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.